Have you ever spoken and wished that you could Immediately take the words back...

Or that you could crawl into a hole?

Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow And asked loudly, 'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'

I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't say a word...

He knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.

I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.

After browsing for several minutes,

I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.

He asked if he could help me.

Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men's balls.'

THIRD TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall and

Passed by a store that sold a

Variety of candy and nuts.

As we were looking at the display case,

The boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.

I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'

My sister started to laugh hysterically.

The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, My sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY :

While in line at the bank one afternoon, My toddler decided to release Some pent-up energy and ran amok.

I was finally able to grab hold of

Her after receiving looks of disgust

And annoyance from other patrons.

I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you Kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.

Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.

I mustered up the last of my dignity and Walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.

The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?

My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.

One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands It was very busy, with a full dining room While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, So of course I checked My seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.

Then I realized that Danny

Had not asked to go potty in a while.

I asked him if he needed to go,

And he said 'No' .

I kept thinking

'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.'

Then I said,

' Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'

' No,' he replied.

I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.

Soooooo, I asked one more time, ' Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, Bent over, spread his cheeks And yelled 'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.

An old couple made me feel better,

Thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days And a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, In the future, likely think before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!

We had a female news anchor that,

The day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, Turned to the weatherman and asked:

'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'

Not only did HE have to leave the set,

But half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Now, didn't that feel good?

And remember

We all say things we don't really mean,

So think before you speak!!!

A guy who lives at Lake Macquarie  (50 miles north of Gosford) saw a ball bouncing  around kind of strange in the lake and went to  investigate.

It turned out to be a flathead catfish who had  obviously tried to swallow a basketball which became stuck in its mouth!!

The fish was totally exhausted from trying to  Dive, but unable to because the ball would  always bring him back up to the surface.

The bloke tried numerous times to get the ball out, but was unsuccessful. He finally had his wife cut  the ball in order to deflate it and release the hungry catfish.

You probably wouldn't have believed this, if you hadn't seen the following pictures...


  

I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this.

"Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of alcohol eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few drinks"..

WOMAN'S POEM:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.

A MAN'S POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
big tits who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

A real man is a woman's best friend. He willnever stand her up and never let her down.He will reassure her when she feels insecureand comfort her after a bad day.

He will inspire her to do things she neverthought she could do; to live without fearand forget regret. He will enable her toexpress her deepest emotions and give in toher most intimate desires. He will make sureshe always feels as though she's the mostbeautiful woman in the room and will enableher to be the most confident, sexy,seductive, and invincible.

No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of wine.Never mind.

1)-This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

2)-Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3)-If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island.. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mark, age 7)

4)-Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more.(Kylie, age 6)


5)-A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)


6)-When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William,age 7)

7)- Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

8)-I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

9)-Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

10)-When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

11)-The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

12)-My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)

Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.

She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.

Magically it opens.

"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"

"Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis".

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.

Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

'Do you want to go up or down?'

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.

He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?'

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'

The woman replied, 'Down.'

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady,'Up or down ?'

She replied, 'Up.'

This really confused the gentleman so he asked,

'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were fuck or drown.

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Mondaymorning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, butamazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.

The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'

Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'

The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. She hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'

The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil bitches.
Don't mess with them.

Peter invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal; his mother couldn't help but notice how lovely Peter's flat mate, Joanne, was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flat mate than met the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Joanne & I are just flat mates'.

About a week later, Joanne came to Peter saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?

'Well I doubt it, but I'll a-mail her just to be sure' said Peter.

So he sat down and wrote


DEAR MOTHER,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID' TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE.
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID NOT' TAKE THE FRYING PAN BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.

LOVE PETER


Several days later, Peter received an email from his mother which read


DEAR SON,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO' SLEEP WITH JOANNE.
AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO NOT' SLEEP WITH JOANNE, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF SHE WAS SLEEPING IN HER OWN BED, SHE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW.

LOVE MUM

This is much more fun than that old picture where you tried to find the man's face in coffee beans. Every so often a clever picture comes along that camouflages something for us to find. This is one such picture.

Hidden within this picture, I am told, are two lobsters. Go ahead and try to find them.

If you find the lobsters in 5 minutes, the left side of your brain is normal. I looked for 15 minutes and couldn't find them. I guess my brain is "abnormal." I am told women find the lobsters much quicker. It probably has something to do with the wiring in the brain.

Good luck

FOR SALE:

One Useless Cat

This may sound like an oxymoron but what you are going to be looking for are things that shouldn't be where they are and should not be doing what they are doing. Dark patches that move, ripples in otherwise calm areas, splashes where there is no turbulence, moving shapes and shadows can all be indications of fish, but just to complicate matters some of these things at times may only be sea weed, jellyfish or simply shadow from dispersing foam or an isolated cloud.

This time instead of average weather and sea conditions we are going to assume optimal conditions and take a fantasy walk along the beach to spot some of the most likely species. We have come to a large V shaped gutter with a bank starting from the shore and projecting into the ocean at approximately a 45 degree angle into progressively deeper water with a second bank outside of it giving us the best chance of spotting almost any fish species we wish to find.

Starting from the beach and working out, we watch a wave wash up on the beach and as the foam clears and the wave recedes notice a thin shadow that upon closer scrutiny also has the opaque shape of a whiting just beside it that quickly disappears into the turbulence of churning sand thrown up by the meeting of the receding water and next incoming wave. You have to be quick, few fish will hang around long enough to smile so you can take their picture.

A slow moving dark roundish shape appears in the bottom of a following wave as it prepares to break. It could just be a discarded plastic bait bag drifting along in the current, but a cast past and retrieved along the line it is moving has the rod buckling under the weight of a good sized bream.

In the middle of the V gutter a mullet jumps and gives away the position of a small group of mullet swimming along near the surface with their fins breaking the surface (finning). A good sign as usually where there are mullet, bream, tailor, jew and a few other species will be close by waiting to take their toll on the poor old mullet schools numbers. Our attention now focuses on several manhole sized shapes casually moving against the current near the bank, something definitely alive and swimming to do that, and watch as the school of rays slowly move on.

Time to get our feet wet and as we quietly walk out along the shallow bank of the V gutter notice whiting slide a safe distance away from us before we disturb a good sized flathead that had positioned herself atop the bank and dashes away to the safety of deeper water pursued by several smaller accompanying males.

Several terns swoop down into a solid but changing dark patch of water between the two banks and pluck out small baitfish as mini eruptions of water that resemble a stick being quickly swept through the water but originating from beneath them discloses the presence of long toms and probably trevally.

On the reforming waves inside the outer bank small pock marks not unlike what happens when a stone is dropped into the water signals the destruction of more baitfish as they are hit mercilessly from below by hungry tailor.

Just inside the clean face of a soon to start breaking wave shows several fish riding it in and sweeping off to one side just before it breaks, demonstrating a fairly typical school of dart.

On the back of the outer bank a large black shape is making a beeline for the outlet that will bring it into the gutter we are wanting to fish, while standing in the thigh deep water of the V gutters bank.

A glance at one another and the decision is easily made to retire quickly but calmly back to the beach, while at the same time maintaining a visual of the dark 2 to 3 metre shape closing the range. After all something like that which hasn't gone "Pffft" in the time we have been watching it can only be one thing.

It's a shame every day couldn't be like that but often you will get to see at least two or three of those I described if you are observant. The shark in the last passage won't happen very often at all, but can happen so keep your eyes peeled because we want fish for dinner not to be dinner for fish.

How much do you like fishing? Do you relax and get detached from mundane concerns when on a fishing expedition? If so, for both fresh and saltwater fishing, you should always be prepared to do it properly in order to also catch fish. This material aims at briefly describing the use of saltwater fishing lures and the ways to properly select them. The utility of a lure is justified by its resemblance with fish. All types of fishing lures, and there are many of them, are designed to look like dying fish and fast moving fish, thus attracting the predators your own prey.

Therefore, when you go on your saltwater fishing trips you probably want to have the best saltwater fishing lures and tackles in general. The lures selection could easily become a real challenge. Yet, solutions do exist, there are many models and lots of info on each of them to help. The fishing location, the species you are after, the time of the year when you go fishing, as well as personal preference influence the choice of the right tools.

Saltwater fishing lures differ depending on the species you try to catch; the minolure works well for trout, Millies Bucktail is good for bonefish, mackerel is easily caught by using diamond shaped, gold or silver spoons but for the surface king mackerel it is better to use a cedar plug. Jiggs, poppers and lures imitating bait fish work pretty well in the case of bass .

Although simplistic, spoons have the most extensive fishing range from all the saltwater fishing lures, since they are very effective and easy to use, and quite cheap. Spinners consisting of a blade placed on a spindle that rotates when reeled in or let out on the water thus imitating the scales and movement of bait fish make one other good choice. Surface lures, suspending plugs, floating drivers and sinking plugs are also popular among saltwater fishermen.

The only relevant conclusion is that you need equipment, and fishing as a leisure activity would lose part of its charm if you had to improvise too much. If you want the best results to come out of the expedition also consider buying the most suitable saltwater fishing lures.

IS NIGHT FISHING BETTER THAN DAY FISHING?

This really depends on the species you are targeting. Day fishing is more productive if fishing in coloured water than in clear water and also better on cloudy days than bright sunny days. Also day fishing is probably more convenient for the whole family to enjoy.

However, night fishing can produce some excellent sized fish especially the big predatory type fish that come in closer to feed at night.

Night fishing is a great expe and an excellent way of testing all your senses. You have to cast in the dark and use your ears to listen to your line going out(it always sounds like it's going out a long way). You have to feel when your sinker hits the water or the bottom so that you can readily take up any slack. You wil be on full alert at all times. Of course, to make life easier, take a good lamp and/or torch with you. Attach a tip light to your rod so that you can easily see any bites and that your rod is actually still standing up and hasn't been washed down by the incoming tide.

DO LUMINOUS ATTRACTORS REALLY WORK?

Yes, yes, yes. They really do. From a number of experiments we've carried out, the rigs with luminous tubing and beads have definetly caught far more fish than the ones without.

Just shine your torch on the luminous tubes for a few seconds before casting to increase the glow.

When going out on your fishing trip, take a variety of bait with you. Usually pilchards, bonito, trevally and mackerel work well.

If you know fish are there and they are not biting what you are offering, then try some other type of bait.

When you do catch a fish, open it up and inspect it's stomach to see what they are eating. If they are eating very small baitfish then try to cut your bait in the same style to represent a small baitfish (a strip bait). If they are eating crabs then cut a big blobby shaped piece of bait. If they are eating worms, tie on a strip of red material to your bait to represent a worm.

Good casts require a lot of practice. With this cast start facing in the direction you want to cast to. Place your sinker directly behind you in a straight line with it resting on the ground. Your rod tip should be pointing down in the same direction and in-line with the sinker. Maintain enough pressure on the line to just feel the weight of the sinker. (Don't forget to open up your bail arm on your reel and make sure drag is up tight).

Start the cast by using your body weight to pull the rod up in a smooth movement (to load up the power in your rod) and turning your body to face the right direction while pulling down your leading arm and finishing with a 'punch' from your trailing arm.

Releasing the line off your finger at the right moment also takes a lot of practice. A lot of people find it falls of their finger automatically, but try to release it when the rod is at about the 1 o'clock position. After casting, wind up any slack line, loosen off the drag a bit and place rod in your rod holder.

When you go fishing and you catch something, that's good. If you're making love and you catch something, that's bad.

Fish don't compare you to other fishermen neither and don't want to know how many other fish you caught.

In fishing you lie about the one that got away. In loving you lie about the one you caught.

You can catch and release a fish, you don't have to lie and promise to still be friends after you let it go.

You don't have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish.

You can catch a fish on a 20-cent nightcrawler. If you want to catch a woman you're talking dinner and a movie minimum.

Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing.

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.

Second guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I'll build her a new deck for the pool.

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I'll remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to fish when they realized the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 AM. When it went off, I shut off the alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex" and she said, "Wear a sweater."

Bugs

Bugs float on the surface and suggest larger insects, frogs, mice, crippled minnows, and so on. Bugs are fished with a floating or sinking-tip fly line. Use a floating line if you're fishing bugs just at the surface. A sinking-tip fly line, with a 4- to 6-foot leader, allows the fly to be fished at the surface, diving, swimming or surfacing.

For stillwater fishing, bugs are generally presented near or past the fish's location. Often they are most effective when presented near structures such as the bank, lily pads, logs, or overhanging trees. When cast over an object, a bug can be hopped or made to fall into the water to suggest a natural terrestrial food falling into the water.

Once on the surface, the bug is worked like a miniature puppet, being made to struggle or swim in an attempt to entice a strike. Usually, the more slowly these types of flies arc, moved, the more effective they are.

In moving water, bugs are generally cast at all current and eddy angles and fished with an action similar to what is used in still water. Line drag is avoided by casting-angle adjustments and line mending, as with dry flies. In moving water, bugs are usually fished near or off shoreline and surface structures.

Dropper Flies

Dropper flies (two or more flies) may be used on one leader to increase your chances of catching one or more fish on a cast (check regulations first). Such combinations as two to four wet flies, wet fly and streamer, nymph and streamer, or dry fly and nymph are often more effective than a single fly.

The larger, heavier fly should always be tied to the end of the leader and the smaller, lighter flies tied farther up the leader's tippet, except in the case of a dropper tied to the hook or eye of another fly. A dropper fly is attached to a leader by first tying a blood knot or surgeon's knot with a 4- to 6-inch tag of tippet material. The fly is then tied onto the long tag with a Duncan loop or improved clinch knot.

By using two or three flies at one time on your leader's tip and tippet, you can learn what the fish's preference is from repeated catches on one of the flies. Many times two, three, or four flies will also have an"emotional" or exciting effect On fish that might ignore a single fly. Casting two or more flies is, however, a bit more difficult than casting one fly and tangles are more frequent.

Nymphs are designed to be fished below the surface, including on the bottom, of either calm or moving water. Nymphs mainly suggest (give a general impression) or imitate (give a detailed impression) immature aquatic insects.

But nymphs also may be used to suggest snails, scuds, leeches, crayfish, worms, and similar foods. Floating, intermediate, sinking-tip, and full-sinking fly lines are useful in various waters to fish nymphs.

For shallow, still, and moving water from 1 to 6 feet deep, the floating or intermediate lines are generally best. These lines allow the best overall fly action and control for nymphing. For medium depth (4 to 8 feet), especially in moving water, the sinking-tip fly line generally works best. For deeper water (8 to 20 feet), either still or moving, a full-sinking line generally performs best with nymphs.

In still water, the nymph is cast past the fish's swimming path or holding area. It is allowed to sink to the desired depth, then it is animated with the method that best suggests the live natural food.

In moving water, nymphs are fished in two basic ways. In the first method they are fished with a floating line. The nymph is cast upstream and allowed to sink and drift naturally downstream. The second way is with a sinking-tip or fullsinking line. The nymph is cast up and across stream to achieve the tight line-to-leader-to-fly contact needed to animate a nymph with a swimming action while retrieving it across or upstream.

Streamers

Streamers are usually designed to be fished below the surface to suggest or imitate the small fish, minnows, eels, leeches, and so on, that are swimming or drifting in the water. However, streamers are sometimes fished at the surface to imitate the feeding or crippled action of a small fish. Streamers, like nymphs, can be fished with all four fly-line types depending upon the action and the depth desired. The sinking tip is generally the best all-around streamer fly line.

In still water the streamer is presented near or beyond the fish's position and is retrieved past and away from the fish with an action that suggests the natural creature's panic or vulnerability.

In moving water the streamer may be presented at all angles to suggest the natural food's movement. Most small fish are strong swimmers and can live in areas from top to bottom in a stream. Perhaps the most popular streamer presentation is casting across the current and retrieving with erratic swimming and pausing action as the fly swims and swings down and across the flow.

This sideways motion suggests distress and vulnerability to a minnow-hungry fish. Once the streamer reaches the end of the drift, it is retrieved erratically upstream. Sometimes streamers are effective when cast upstream and allowed to drift downstream with the current, as if they were dying or helpless.

Wet flies, nymphs, and streamers perform best when they are tied using soft, water-absorbent materials. After they get wet, they take on the natural odors of the waters you fish. Before you begin fishing these three types, rub them on a wet algae-covered stone, on some aquatic vegetation, or on some silt taken from the bottom of the water you plan to fish. This simple wetting and deodorizing preparation will enhance your fly's ability to fool fish.

Artificial flies can deceive fish into mistaking them for the real thing. There are five basic kinds of flies: dry flies, wet flies, nymphs, streamers, and bugs.